This year, I assigned myself a task to write an article every day, but of course, I failed, which was within my expectations. No matter what excuses or reasons I use to deceive myself, the fact remains that I did not complete this task. When I see Cai Tou updating consistently year after year, I reflect on myself and wonder why I can't do the same. After careful consideration, there are several reasons.
One reason is definitely self-discipline. Weak self-discipline prevents me from consistently writing every day, and I even come up with various excuses in my mind to deceive myself into not writing for valid reasons. I have not confronted my own inertia and used self-discipline to restrain myself, allowing my thoughts to remain idle.
The second point is that I overthink. I always think too much and end up not knowing where to start. My thoughts are scattered and I don't grasp anything. Before writing, I would think about whether it is logically sound, which is a useless thought. I'm afraid of not writing well, so I hesitate to start. I'm afraid that what I write will be terrible, so I simply don't write, finding solace in this psychological state.
Another important point is that I lack inspiration. In the early years when Cai Tou was still active on Weibo, there was a time when he collected personal articles for review. I remember one of his comments vividly - "Read more books. You're trying to climb a hill without oil, revving the engine like asthma." Every time I write an article, I think of this comment, which makes me feel ashamed.
I haven't read a book in almost seven years, not textbooks, but additional reading. I used to read books quickly and had a good memory, but now I find it difficult to get into a book. Keeping the brain in a closed state for a long time triggers a defense mechanism against external knowledge, like rusty parts that won't function properly if used again. When I'm thinking, I can even hear the mechanical sound of my brain turning, shouting at me.
It's alarming that someone who loved reading as a child can't get into it as an adult. What's even more alarming is that while I'm condemning myself, I'm also allowing myself to continue down this path, which is the most foolish approach. I constantly put myself on the rack, unable to relax mentally, but also unable to fully concentrate.
So I'm trying to read again, practicing Sudoku. It used to take me over 30 minutes to complete one Sudoku puzzle, but now I can finish one in 5 or 6 minutes. I immerse myself in books, becoming a character within them, and try to see things from a different perspective. Some books are still easy to read, like "The Courage to Be Disliked," which I finished in a little over two hours. But there are books that I just can't get into, and when that happens, I switch to another book that I can get into. The speed of reading is not important; what matters is understanding the book, otherwise, I won't be able to appreciate its essence.
Lately, I've been feeling restless. Since the onset of depressive emotions last time, I've been in a highly tense state. What should I do? I always ask myself this question, but I have no answer. I strongly resist medication for mental therapy. I would rather suffer in my emotions than take medication. Temporary numbness does not bring me comfort; I have to rely on myself to get through it.
Things will get better, they always do, but the prerequisite is that I have to take action.